Teaching Online in a Pandemic Broke me

• by Amy Bowker

• June 2, 2021

When I heard back in August 2020 that the OCDSB would be allowing teachers to teach online, I knew it was a perfect fit for me. I had no idea about how to teach physically distanced and wearing masks but I LOVE technology and could easily wrap my brain around how to teach if all my students had devices.

As a massive tech nerd, I knew, understood and love using many technologies in my classroom already. I knew that teaching online full-time would be a challenge but I felt like I was the perfect person to rise to the challenge.

September started differently than normal. Teachers waited for information, for a start date, for their students.

School started on September 18th for online students and staff. I started my year with 36 students and no guidance. A new schedule of 2-2 hour blocks and 1-one hour block that students would work on their own. As teachers always do, I rallied. I tried all the games, the get to know you and connection builders but they all fell flat. I researched and tried some more. Again, blank screens.

I knew that mental health would be a problem this year with my students isolated at home missing their normal lives and friendships so we focused daily on mental health. Talking about it daily I think helped. I even shared openly and honestly online on Twitter when I was taking a Mental Health Day to get other teachers to think about how they are feeling too.

Teaching to a classroom of students, teachers are used to non-verbal cues that students are okay, listening, or checked out. Without cameras on and microphones on Google Meet I had no way of knowing if my students were even there. Alot of the time I felt like I was talking to myself. There were no questions, no comments, and barely any work being completed.

I tried to meet with students one and one sometimes to try to see how I could help them, but even then they wouldn’t turn on their screens or use their microphone. How can you teach or connect to someone who you have never seen and never heard from? I realize that some students are just so overwhelmed that they cannot ‘show up’ for school. It’s so hard to know that we are trying to connect to children, and we have no idea if they are okay.

This year at home I knew was going to be challenging so I did all the things so I could be the best teacher I could be. Therapy, exercise, eating healthy, meditation, journalling…. I tried everything suggested at me thorughout the year and also coached my students about it all too.

Before Spring break I was struggling. I felt like I was talking to myself again and barely anyone was completing their work even though I was trying to connect with them all and help them all. I decided to just accept that this is the way it is, and be okay with it. The week before spring break, we took it easy. I gave them time to complete work and had a fun day/movie day on the Friday. I felt fine.

Sunday after spring break started I woke up with serious brain fog, which I had never had before. My family was supposed to go on a hike and it took me 25 minutes to find a sweater (I knew where it was already). I had a breakdown before going and then decided to just sleep it off. I slept all day. I slept all week and it still didn’t go away. This was so unlike me that I took off the Monday and Tuesday back from the break and called my doctor. I got a COVID test which came back negative. I got a blood test, it was normal. And then I went into my doctors office. She asked me how I was feeling and I went on a rant. I said how impossible the job was. 36 students and 4 who actually talk to me. Many that I hadn’t seen or heard from. How I had been begging for support since September and finally get support for my ESL and Spec Ed kiddos in January. How balancing being a mom to a 4 year old and being a teacher full time in a pandemic is impossible. She quietly sat back and said ” I didn’t realize how bad it was.” She gave me 2 weeks off and we would revisit how I felt after. I slowly started to feel a bit better but I still have headaches and am so tired. I am now off until the end of the year. My doctor tells me I’m Burnt out from in her words “constant failure.” I’m sure most teachers are feeling the same way.

Being on Medical Leave is never something I would have guessed would happen to me. Usually at this time in the year, I’m excitably planning for the next year. Buying new PD books so I can learn more. Constantly being the best teacher I can be FOR THE STUDENTS. On Medical leave I’m focusing on resting, getting outside and reading.

Changes I wish happened:

With the pandemic happening, of course schooling was going to be difficult to figure out. I wish that the Ministry of Education actually asked the teachers what would work. I wish they asked people who are actually in the room, virtual or not, with children what would be possible. We knew that Mental Health should be the priority, not the curriculum.

It was fine that the Ministry of Education pushed back the start of the year. I think that everyone needed time to adjust and figure out how to teach online or 2 metres apart but I really think they made a mistake by transferring the normal PD Days, the normal breaks we had in our school year to the beginning of the year. Students and Staff depended on those days for a collective sigh of relief. In a year of more stress and pressure than we have ever faced, they took away all the breaks for students and community building times for staff to take a breath together.

Whether you were teaching online or in a bricks-and-mortar school teachers were alone. In order to be a ‘good’ teacher, we need community, support and we get that from other teachers. Without that camaraderie, teachers mental health took a direct hit. The only teacher time we had was in staff meetings that were confusing due to the Ministry of Education’s lack of planning. Teachers were very lucky to have immense help with Technology Coaches and Curriculum Coaches who were available throughout the week to help us but that mental health support was lacking.

I wish the Ministry of Education just focused on part of the curriculum this year and completely got rid of report cards. Reflecting on student’s and student work when they are trying to get through a pandemic is just cruel.

I really wish that we would remember that we are dealing with children and children’s mental health. I wish the Ministry of Education actually knew what it was like to deal with children struggling.

The fact is that teachers, parents and students are all burnt out. I think many teachers are going to find themselves burnt out like me this summer. We really need to as a society rethink education and what school will look like for years to come. We are going to have a variety of students come back to school who have not been able to cope with school and not feeling safe enough to learn for more than a year. This will lead to extra support needed in schools to support those students begin to feel safe enough to begin to learn again.

We need more of a mental health program and support for students and staff of schools NOW.